[www.keralites.net] Parenting: Handling Aggressive Children

 

byKim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner LMSW

You know the kid that no one wants to play with? The kid who stands alone at recess or lunch? Who never gets invited to birthday parties? Thats my kid. And it breaks my heart.

When a child is aggressive toward others hitting, screaming, pushing, throwing things the natural response of the people around him is to withdraw. Its frightening to see someone whose anger has reached a point where it seems out of control. If your elementary or middle school-age child is behaving aggressively toward others, its important to address the issue now, before it escalates to serious consequences such as suspension, legal problems or serious harm to others.

"Its easy to feel vulnerable as a parent embarrassed or ashamed that your child is the one on the playground that no one wants to get near for fear of his behavior."

Related: Is your defiant child hitting, pushing and threatening you or others?

There are a variety of reasons a child may behave aggressively. Jake may hit someone for an entirely different reason than his classmate Sophie does.

Here are some tips when it comes to identifying why your child is aggressive:

• Dont assume you know why your child is behaving aggressively.The behavior is actually the symptom of the actual problem. We often guess at whats going on inside someone, based on what we can see. If a woman is crying, we guess shes sad. In fact, she may be angry, scared or just have something in her eye. Just because your child hits or bites someone, that doesnt necessarily mean hes angry. He could be hurt, scared, sad or feeling threatened.
• Rule out medical or sensory issues before deciding the aggression is due solely to any other trigger.Some children are extremely sensitive to noises, lights and sensations. We all have minor sensitivities. Maybe you dont like scratchy sweaters or the way certain fabric feels. Maybe you doodle when youre in a meeting as a way of self-stimulating. For some kids, multiply the way that feels by a hundred. This leaves a child literally feeling like they could come out of their skin sometimes. In a situation where they are over-stimulated, they may respond with behavior that is aggressive because they dont know how to express what theyre feeling. There areoccupational therapistswho can evaluate your child to see if there are sensory issues triggering or contributing to her behavior problems. Most schools offer occupational therapy assessments as part of special education testing. Contact your local intermediate school district office or your childs school social worker if you think your child may need an evaluation.
• Rule out allergies to foods or environmental factors as a primary cause of aggression.One parent we know had her son tested for allergies and found that whenever he ate something with red dye in it (such as red licorice) he became very agitated. If your child has episodes of violence or aggression, you may want to schedule a physical exam or occupational therapy assessment.
• Do some investigating.Track your childs behavior for a week and notice what situations or feelings seem to trigger the aggression. Again, dont assume you know what your child was feeling when hehit or kicked someone. When the situation has calmed down and everyone is safe, help him identify what happened. Was he feeling threatened by someone who called him a name? Was he frustrated because he was told he couldnt do something he wanted to do? Are there particular situations or people that seem to trigger the behavior? That will help you when it comes to identifying a solution.

 

Is Your Child an Exploder or an Imploder?

When a child is experiencing emotions or sensations that are extreme, it's going to come out in some way. Some children will explode in other words, the emotion will be turned outward onto others, much like asoda can thats been shaken and spews over everything when its opened. Emotions build, and soat some pointJake releases his anger, frustration, fear or hurt by lashing out. Other children will implode. The intense emotions will be turned inward. Emotions build and at some point Sophie shuts down or behaves in a way that is destructive or aggressive toward herself. She may even self-harm as a way of releasing those intense feelings that she just cant tolerate. This article focuses on the Exploder, but if your child has started to harm herself as a way of coping with stressors or emotions, this is just as serious of a concern. Exploders tend to get more attention because their behavior becomes a problem forothers(parents, peers, teachers). But Imploders need just as much perhaps more support in finding positive ways to cope with life.If you suspect your child is engaging in self-harming behaviors,bring your concerns tohis or her pediatrician immediately.

5 Ways to Manage Aggressive Kids

1.) Be involved.As a parent, its your job to guide and teach your child how to handle emotions and stressful situations. That doesnt mean its your fault that your child is behaving aggressively. It means your child is experiencing something (emotions, a stressful situation) that he isnt equipped to handle. He needs you to show him how to deal with intense emotions.

2.) Create a Comfortable Relationship.If your child is experiencing intense emotions that she doesnt know how to handle, is she comfortable enough in the parent-child relationship to come to you? Or is she afraid youll get mad and yell or discount her by saying, Thats no excuse! You dont hit! Tell your child theres nothing you cant work through together and that youre there to support her. Then show her, through your own behavior, that when you are upset (such as when you find out she bit someone), you handle your emotions in a way that is constructive, without exploding.

3.) Give your child words.Many children dont have the ability to name an emotion theyre feeling. Jake may think hes mad, but underneath he may be feeling hurt that hes been left out of a game or social interaction. He may be feeling embarrassed that he didnt know an answer in class. Help your child identify that "under anger" is usually another feeling, then validate that feeling as normal. Even though the behavior (screaming, hitting, throwing things) isnt okay, the feeling that triggered the behavior is valid. Of course you felt sad when your friend left to hang out with someone else. But throwing rocks at him isnt the way to handle it.

4.) Brainstorm on coping tools.No matter what the cause is of the aggressive behavior, your child must learn to cope with intense emotions or hes going to have some negative consequences in life. Talk together about what helps him calm down. He may need a way to release energy that doesnt spew all over others. Can he go to the gym and shoot some baskets when hes having a rough day at school? Can he go and sit in a room by himself if space is something that calms him down? Does he need to avoid certain people or situations? Some kids are triggered during unsupervised times at school: lunch, recess and passing in the hallways. These are times teachers have more difficulty seeing what goes on due to the amount of kids present. Does your child need to pass between classes a few minutes before others do? Enlist the help of teachers or relatives if you trust their intentions and they truly want to support your child in coping positively.

Present your ideas in a positive manner of helping your child behave appropriately with others not shaming him or her in any way. If it doesnt work, go back to the drawing board. Keep brainstorming until you find what works for your child and be creative.

5.) Behavior and Mood Disorders.Aggression can be part of a bigger picture. If your child continues to exhibit aggression despite your efforts to help her manage emotions, you may want to schedule an appointment with a counselor or therapist. Chemical imbalances, ADHD and behavior patterns such as Oppositional Defiant Disorder can all contribute to aggressive behavior. In those cases or if theres a tendency to implode - your child might benefit from more intensive support from a mental health professional.

 

Responding to Aggression

If your child does resort to aggression (pushing, hitting, throwing things), remain calm. Remember, it will very likely take some practice to replace aggression with new, positive behaviors. So try your best to stay calm and assess the situation. If hes behaving aggressively toward you, give him some space. Understand that trying to restrain an already agitated child can quickly escalate the situation further. If you can safely allow him to calm down by giving him space, thats the best option. Also, when you're in the middle of the tornado, it's not the time to talk about triggers or consequences. You may reassure your child: I know youre upset. Take a few minutes to calm down.

After the emotional storm has passed, you can discuss things such astriggers, why your child wasnt able to use some of the positive coping skills youve been identifying with him, and ways to hold him accountable for anything he may have broken. Does the situation call for a consequence? Thats up to you, as his parent, to decide. Did he break something? If so, hell need to pay for it out of his allowance, his birthday money, or work it off in chores. Did he harm you or someone else physically? You can encourage him to apologize and take responsibility for his behavior. Keep in mind, kids who exhibit a pattern of Oppositional Defiant Disorder may dig their heels in and refuse to apologize. How will you respond to that? You may giveyour childa choice: Jake, you hurt your sister when threw that toy and it hit her. You have a choice: you can apologize or you will lose your video game for one week. Or go straight to the consequence if you believe its warranted.

Related: How to give your child "fail proof" consequences.

Final Thoughts

A childs aggression can be scary not just for parents, teachers and peers, but for the child himself. It can be frightening to feel such intense emotions or sensations and not know how to handle it. Its easy to feel vulnerable as a parent embarrassed or ashamed that your child is the one on the playground that no one wants to get near for fear of his behavior. But imagine how your child is feeling. Try to stay patient, even in the face of a volcanic eruption of emotion. Its ultimately your childs responsibility to manage behavior appropriately, but there are ways you can support him in that journey.

Source: EmpoweringParents

 

Junaid Tahir
 

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