| Rookie Pitcher A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the pitcher. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the national anthem." "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." ~ Dolly Parton
"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain." ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"Save a boyfriend for a rainy day- and another, in case it doesn't rain." ~ Mae West Cartoon used with permission The Gossip Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the congregation's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny; he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house and left it there … all night. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hot Bath Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any magazines. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath. The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub. Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?" "No one is free, even the birds are chained to the sky." ~ Bob Dylan
"It is not only fine feathers that make fine birds." ~ Aesop
"God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds an invented cages." ~ Jacques Deval Cartoon used with permission Food Funnies Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalapeno business!
Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?" A: "You can't tuna fish."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Painful Truth A small boy ridiculed the talk about a painless dentist in his neighborhood. "He's not painless at all." – said the boy. "He put his finger in my mouth and I bit it and he yelled just like anybody would." "It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course." ~ Hank Aaron
"Never allow the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game!" ~ Babe Ruth
"Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona." ~ George F. Will
Cartoon used with permission Running Scared Two kids were hiking when they came upon a huge bear. One boy sat down, took a pair of track shoes out his knapsack and started to put them on. "You'are wasting your time." – said the other boy. "You can't outrun that bear even with your track shoes on." The other boy replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."
Eating Right A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "I don't feel so good - what's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "you're not eating properly."
"If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." ~ Robert Frost
"I don't trust anyone who doesn't laugh." ~ Maya Angelou
"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt." ~ Erma Bombeck
Cartoon used with permission Jail Break The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things." "First, why did you revolt?" "Second, how did you get out of your cell?" One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful." "I see. And just what did you use to break the cell bars?," the warden asked. Replied the spokesman for the prisoners, "The meat loaf."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fast Food Chicken Donovan was driving down a gravel grid road in his pickup truck when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm's driveway, Donovan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm yard, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs. The farmer came out of his house, and Donovan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!" The farmer replied, "Yup. I bred 'em that way because the family just loves drumsticks." Donovan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?" The farmer smiled. "Dunno. we haven't been able to catch one yet." "You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." ~ Dr. Seuss
"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not." ~ Andre Gide
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you never can tell." ~ Joan Crawford Cartoon used with permission Silent Alarm A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The man realized he needed his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 a.m." The next morning the man woke up to discover it was 9 a.m. and that he had missed his flight. He was about to go see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. It read, "It is 5 a.m., wake up."
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