Thursday 27 October 2011

[www.keralites.net] THE QUEEN HAS SENT AN EMAIL

 
Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the U.S.A.  
          To the citizens of the United States of  America
          from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen  Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent
years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able
to  govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the  revocation of your independence, effective  immediately.  (You should look up 'revocation' in  the Oxford English  Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,  which she does not  fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron,  will appoint a Governor for America
without the  need for further elections.  Congress and the Senate will be  disbanded. 
A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine  whether any of
you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British  Crown dependency, the following rules are  introduced with immediate  effect:

1. 
  The letter 'U' will be reinstated in  words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn to  spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the  letters, and the
suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise
your vocabulary to  acceptable levels (look up  'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. 
  Using the same twenty-seven words  interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.  There is no such
thing as U.S. English.  We will let Microsoft  know on your behalf.  The Microsoft  spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination
of  '-ize.'
-------------------
3. 
  July 4th will no longer be  celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. 
  You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. 
The fact  that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready
to be independent.  Guns should only be used for  shooting grouse.  If you can't sort
things out without suing  someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to 
shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. 
  Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than
a vegetable  peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to  carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. 
  All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with  immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
and without the benefit of conversion  tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help
you  understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. 
  The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)
of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.
-------------------
8. 
  You will learn to make real  chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real 
chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. 
Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. 
  The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  New Zealand beer is also acceptable,
as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only
be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further  confusion.
---------------------
10. 
 Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. 
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. 
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral
was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. 
 You will cease playing American football.  There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New  Zealanders).  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 
---------------------
12. 
 Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you
are aware there is a world  beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will 
learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World  dominators) first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. 
 You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. 
 An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will
be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. 
 Daily Tea Time begins promptly at  4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when
in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS:  Only share this with friends who have a good  sense of humour (NOT humor
)!

PPS:
With a spot of luck, she might also decide to recolonise Africa! 

Received as E-mail

Nandakumar

www.keralites.net

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