A priest, a father, and a rabbi are walking home from their respective services when they pass a bar. The priest says, "I wish we could all go in and have a drink tonight." To this the father says, "let me try something I'll be right back."
So the father goes into the bar, sits down and orders a drink. When the bartender comes over to get paid the father says, "my son, I have already paid you for my drink.", to which the bartender replies, "I'm sorry father, it must've slipped my mind." "It's alright my son. You have a good night", the father says and leaves. He goes outside to tell the priest and the rabbi what to do. The priest goes in and comes out successful, so the rabbi goes in.He orders and when it comes time to pay he says to the bartender, "listen sonny I have already paid for my drinks tonight". Now the bartender replies, "I'm sorry rabbi, you're the third man of the cloth to come in here tonight I must be slipping!", to this the rabbi replies, "that's ok sonny, but can I have the change from my fifty."
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An airplane pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area. There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something first, and disappears. The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain being waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad stewardesses. The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position. He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot says, "I wanted door number three!" "Sorry," replies the devil, "that's 'flight attendant's hell'."
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A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding. "Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be." "Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened?" The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
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CONDOM FACTORY BURNS DOWN IN NEW ZEALAND (Spoken in a Kiwi Accent) John Key, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.
Hilth Munister: "We're going to haf to shup some in from Brutain?" PM: "No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one."
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"
Three days later, a delighted John rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.
"MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM"
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Posted by: Cool Kis <cooolkis@gmail.com>
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